Monday Memo #23
If you find yourself in an argument, stop arguing.
The Monday memo is food for thought to fuel your week.
Hi everyone,
Sometimes you find yourself in a conversation that isn’t going anywhere. Instead of exploring a topic, you’re arguing about it. Generally speaking, arguments and debates tend to shut down conversations, and do not lead to new insights.
Argument is weaponized conversation. In an argument, people are not interested in each other’s point of view. They are not there to learn. Arguing is not listening. When you’re in an argument, you pretend to listen, but what you are really doing is looking for a weak point to debunk, disprove, or attack.
The “winner” of an argument is never decided by the arguers. An argument requires judges and it turns anyone who is listening into a judge or jury, or voters. The purpose of the argument is to convince the audience (who usually didn’t sign up for it) which side is right and which side is wrong.
And usually, all you are convincing them of is that one or both of you are intolerant self-righteous assholes.
Does anyone ever really win an argument? People generally leave an argument more entrenched than they were before. Arguments are like trench warfare. They don’t dissolve contentious issues or resolve them. They solidify positions.
Some people thrive in this environment. Some people even like to argue. My dad used to argue with people on TV. They couldn’t hear him, of course. But he couldn’t resist the bait sometimes. I enjoy a good argument sometimes too, but it’s important to remember that everybody doesn’t feel the same way.
An argument is a kind of hole. The first law of holes is this: if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
Exercise.
Here’s your exercise for the week: If you find yourself in an argument, stop arguing.
Arguing takes two. You can listen without agreeing. You can choose not to accept the invitation to argue. You don’t have to engage. You can move on. You can change the subject.
Do you feel the itch to engage with it? That’s understandable. Is it really important? If it’s really interesting, then it’s interesting enough to schedule it for an appropriate time and place, with an audience that has signed up for it.
But for now, stop. Don’t subject yourself, or the people around you, to a boxing match they didn’t buy a ticket for.
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